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 Nep'Jerida [Updated]

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Arthurs

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PostSubject: Nep'Jerida [Updated]   Sun Jul 11, 2010 9:45 pm

Name:Nep'Jerida
Aliases:None yet
Race:Nus'Vel
Current Residence: In a City
Faction:None yet
Subfaction: None yet
Birthplace:The planet of Nus
Age: 254
Biography:
Spoiler:
 
Personality: Cautious
Appearance:
Spoiler:
 

Weaponry and equipment

Weapon:Sniper rifle
How I received this weapon: Nep'Jerida found it the desert, near the hovercraft

Equipment: Reactive armor
Vehicle Base: Hoverbike
Vehicle Name: The Mustang
Vehicle Description:A fast, reliable hoverbike; Although it looks aged.
Vehicle Image:
Spoiler:
 
How you acquired your vehicle: They exploration crew found it broken and took it back to their camp to re-assemble and fix, which they did. They crew of the <UNREADABLE> let him keep it as he had been the highest ranking member of the crew left.

Edit: Removed colors.
Edit #2: Re-wrote the bio to make people happy.
Edit #3: Edited bio
Edit #4: I'm making a new bio


Last edited by Arthurs on Fri Jul 16, 2010 1:23 pm; edited 8 times in total
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BloodStream

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PostSubject: Re: Nep'Jerida [Updated]   Mon Jul 12, 2010 6:51 am

Did you actually even put any effort into this?
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Gambit

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PostSubject: Re: Nep'Jerida [Updated]   Mon Jul 12, 2010 7:06 am

Can not read the damn blue

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http://i296.photobucket.com/albums/mm161/v4v_bucket2/12325130553
Arthurs

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PostSubject: Re: Nep'Jerida [Updated]   Tue Jul 13, 2010 9:44 am

Try to read it now, I removed all the colors.
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BloodStream

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PostSubject: Re: Nep'Jerida [Updated]   Tue Jul 13, 2010 9:47 am

Arthurs wrote:
Biography: Originally Dropped on the planet a few miles from the captain, they quickly regrouped and set up camp. None of the other members of the crew came and eventually they set out to find civilization. Along the way, though, They encountered some harsh wildlife. They held out for a while until the captain was finally killed in one swift move by them. Nep'Jerida narrowly made it to the captain's Hoverbike and sped off away from them. After a few days of riding he eventually came across a human city and decided to stay there.
Did this take you less than a minute to write?

Who's "Them"? Why was he dropped onto Eshira? Does he not have access to a radio to call in for help? Can he not return to his ship? Why did he decide to stay with the humans? What did he think of the humans? Did he not care about his captain dying? Did he not fight against "Them"? Did he not attempt to take the captain's body with him? Where did the rest of his crew go? Why did he not attempt to save the rest of his crew?

Jesus Christ, If you're going to write a bio, put some goddamn effort into it.
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Markka
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Age: 17
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PostSubject: Re: Nep'Jerida [Updated]   Tue Jul 13, 2010 9:51 am

BloodStream wrote:
Jesus Christ, If you're going to write a bio, put some goddamn effort into it.

Like mine~

But srsly, this looks quite half-assed.

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Rha'Lusk of the Barkmane: Da cub also 'ave funny fur color...
Casandra Lepela: I'm not furry...
Rha'Lusk of the Barkmane | Cpt.Moottorimarkka ®️ [LOOC]: Phahahahah
*** Niphsus Ralcourt looks towards Casandra's hair, saying "Sure you don't.."
Niphsus Ralcourt: Aren't..





Last edited by Markka on Tue Jul 13, 2010 10:09 am; edited 1 time in total
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Arthurs

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PostSubject: Re: Nep'Jerida [Updated]   Tue Jul 13, 2010 10:06 am


Disreguard this post as it is no longer relevant



Last edited by Arthurs on Tue Jul 13, 2010 11:02 am; edited 1 time in total
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BloodStream

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PostSubject: Re: Nep'Jerida [Updated]   Tue Jul 13, 2010 10:11 am

I'm sorry but that's really not in-depth enough. What kind of wildlife? Tribesmen? Animals?
And I shouldn't have to read the race bio to understand your character bio.
You should be able to understand the character bio on it's own, since it is stand-alone.

I haven't read the hazenn race bio, but I understood Markka's bio perfectly.

Stop being lazy and actually try. Everything you just mentioned should've been in the bio.
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Mack
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PostSubject: Re: Nep'Jerida [Updated]   Tue Jul 13, 2010 10:15 am

Quote :
Stop being lazy and actually try.

This is pretty much what I was thinking.

Why did they go into combat without proper equipment? So they could afford a "sniper rifle", but not a bleeding radio? These guys seem like proper twats if they drop in without proper equipment for everyone, and then manage to get overrun by WILDLIFE. How the hell did they manage that? Did these guys actually expect to survive an encounter with any other species?

And no, I haven't read the race bio either. Frankly, I shouldn't have to, much as Blood said.
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Arthurs

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PostSubject: Re: Nep'Jerida [Updated]   Tue Jul 13, 2010 11:07 am

Re-Wrote it, see if it's any better now.
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BloodStream

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PostSubject: Re: Nep'Jerida [Updated]   Tue Jul 13, 2010 11:09 am

That still doesn't explain why they're on Eshira.
Or why they were so lightly armed.
Or why they decided to sit around in a single camp for several months, apparently doing nothing.

It's getting there, but it's still not good.
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Blitz

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PostSubject: Re: Nep'Jerida [Updated]   Tue Jul 13, 2010 11:35 am

Nus'Vel, the tossers of Eshira
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Arthurs

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PostSubject: Re: Nep'Jerida [Updated]   Tue Jul 13, 2010 11:36 am

Added Details blood suggested
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Markka
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PostSubject: Re: Nep'Jerida [Updated]   Tue Jul 13, 2010 11:49 am

Looks a lot better now.

_________________


Quote :
Rha'Lusk of the Barkmane: Da cub also 'ave funny fur color...
Casandra Lepela: I'm not furry...
Rha'Lusk of the Barkmane | Cpt.Moottorimarkka ®️ [LOOC]: Phahahahah
*** Niphsus Ralcourt looks towards Casandra's hair, saying "Sure you don't.."
Niphsus Ralcourt: Aren't..



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BloodStream

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PostSubject: Re: Nep'Jerida [Updated]   Tue Jul 13, 2010 12:00 pm

Much better.
Well done, Arthurs. Make sure your next thread is made with this kind of quality first time, 'kay?
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Arthurs

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PostSubject: Re: Nep'Jerida [Updated]   Tue Jul 13, 2010 7:19 pm

BloodStream wrote:
Much better.
Well done, Arthurs. Make sure your next thread is made with this kind of quality first time, 'kay?

Okay.
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Olde Rika
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PostSubject: Re: Nep'Jerida [Updated]   Wed Jul 14, 2010 9:20 am

Quote :
He found found a city nearly 45 miles away after a few days, so he drove back to the camp and told them.

Not to be picky or anything but even the fixed version has a wee bit of typos. Pointed one out in the quote above. Also just to make the story a little more clear, try not to say "them" all the time. Instead just say "the exploration team". This would make the story easier to pick up.

And that's just about it. Good Job.
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Arthurs

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PostSubject: Re: Nep'Jerida [Updated]   Wed Jul 14, 2010 11:53 am

Olde Rika wrote:
Quote :
He found found a city nearly 45 miles away after a few days, so he drove back to the camp and told them.

Not to be picky or anything but even the fixed version has a wee bit of typos. Pointed one out in the quote above. Also just to make the story a little more clear, try not to say "them" all the time. Instead just say "the exploration team". This would make the story easier to pick up.

And that's just about it. Good Job.

Edited again.
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BloodStream

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PostSubject: Re: Nep'Jerida [Updated]   Fri Jul 30, 2010 10:11 am

I reluctantly approve.
If anyone disagrees, feel free to overrule me. The editted version seems passable, though.
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